I had never thought that I was one for self-sabotage. The past week has been an absolute blur of activity. Within the past 24 hours I have denied renewing my apartment’s lease, found a tenant to take over my existing lease (and paperwork was even given over), signed a lease for a new building, written a paper, and initiated a campaign of my own for a university position on campus after the hullabaloo of my best friend’s – she won by the way and by no slim margin, it was a landslide. As I reflect on the enormous amount of work that I have put into the structure of my social life and non-academic positions, I find myself standing in my living and staring at an enormous stack of books and undone work cast by the wayside. Last week, with the group paper fiasco, I did nothing but work on that 40 page monstrosity. Not only am I behind now, but I am falling further behind by focusing on these other non-study related things. The fact that I have another paper due in two days has me sitting and wondering whether or not I should actually be campaigning, if I will ever have time for this position that I want, if it will continue to hurt my academics as it appears to be. The stress its causing me is none other as well. I thought that after the group paper was done I would be able to breath. Not so. Had to hand in a paper today and another one on Thursday, then another draft on the 1st via email for a major assignment, then a final term paper on the 10th that I haven’t even touched yet.
With easter coming, I’m also venturing home. The unfortunate thing, however, is that I will be working while I’m home at my job because they need the help over the holiday. And I have ALL his undone work to do that is still not getting prioritized.
As I talked to my Dad tonight on the phone, and he told me how proud he was of me and how fast I had gotten the apartment dynamics for next year settled, he asked me if I needed anything. The only thing I could even think to ask for was a hug, which isn’t really something you can get over the phone. I confessed my feelings about the campaign. He told me to give it 110% or to learn to live with the prospect that I wouldn’t win if I didn’t put more into it than I had. I didn’t like the latter option. I don’t give up on things that I decide to do. This leaves me sitting here, pondering why I’ve suddenly dived into this season of self-sabotage. If I want this, I can definitely get it, though my competition appears to have a lot of support. I think I was very disheartened to see that I was opposed from the start. The strange this is that all of us running for this executive have no idea who else is running. I only know my competition because she’s ardently posted on Facebook and plastered posters (way over the allowed number too) all over the arts buildings. I spent about two hours posting my own posters all over campus today. I still have more tomorrow, but I will have time if I decide to be that annoying candidate who makes classroom announcements.
Still, the tower of books and undone work reminds me that I have no time to be engaging in these things, that I will undeniably get stuck at some point without enough time to get everything I need read, written and submitted or studied. I don’t know what I’m going to do right now. I feel so torn. Do I give up or do I commit to this? This position is something I’m very passionate about, that I already have ties to, that I do want to make time for. But where is this self-sabotage coming from? Am I just not confident enough? I don’t know. I’ll get up for the 8:30am class I want to talk to tomorrow still and see how things go. Maybe the first announcement will be enough to scare me away or kick my ass and get me going.